Menus and Massages

In these modern times, people find many reasons to treat themselves to a massage. These reasons sometimes include stress, physical therapy, elitism, etc. I get that, and I usually like massages. I have absolutely no problem with treating our muscles to a little TLC. My only question is why are we now also massaging our food?

A few weeks ago, my roommate and I decided to take a gamble on an interesting restaurant in our new neighborhood. Promoting raw and vegan friendly options, I thought the place might offer a memorable experience. I was right. While perusing the menu I notice such specialties as Raw Kelp Noodles, SunPower Burgers, and Superfood Shakes. Mmm ... ? Although these items aren't what you see everyday, I wasn't terribly surprised they were on the menu. However, as I continued to scan down the selections there was one item that made me do a double take. There, listed in all its glory, was Massaged Kale Salad.

Maybe I'm just behind on the curve, but massaging salad is new to me. Even though I read plenty of cooking magazines, blogs, and books, this was the first I’d heard of such a technique. I'm not used to giving food the luxury of pre-game rub down before it heads to my stomach. Is massaging the new boiling? I needed to know more.

After a few moments of ogling my google results, I learned from one vegan website the wonders of magically massaging kale. If you check out the above provided link you will see that I am, in fact, not kidding. Apparently, when you take out your inner aggression on a few leaves with a little kosher salt, the kale “magically” becomes soft and wilted. Next time I punch my brother on the arm I’ll have to tell him it’s magic when he feels a bruise.

But getting back to this kale business, since the lovely vegan website provided a recipe for this magical salad it was time for the store.

Thankfully, I live near the glorious NoHo strip-malls which provide ample opportunities for grocery stores and foot reflexology shops within spitting distance of each other. And since I was already buying kale to see how it handled being massaged, I figured I might as well stop in to see how my feet handled being massaged, too.

Glories upon glories, my feet seemed to like the massage. SIDE NOTE: If you don’t mind the somewhat creepy feeling of being the only customer in a foot reflexology place, try going to a brand new location. You’ll have three people wait on you and about 15 extra minutes of bliss. What? Have I returned for another massage? Well, no.

Anyhew, I took my kale home, followed the instructions, and my results were identical to the pictures posted with the recipe. If you beat something up enough it’ll eventually turn to mush. Incredible. Not mush.

Mush.

Although neither parties (my feet or the kale) have officially responded with comments, I’d have to bet that my feet enjoyed the massage more than the kale.

Special thanks to Vegan Dietitian for the pictures. I forgot.

Mannequins

Have you ever asked yourself "What is the purpose of a Mannequin?" I have. One idea I had is that mannequins are cheaper than hiring humans to stand in store windows. Although, in this economy I bet we could find some pretty cheap labor to take the job. That would make the mall fun again.

ALICE: Judy got fired for sneezing??

JANE: That was the excuse. I think it was for knocking the nuts off the teenager who took a leak on her shoe.

If the stores ever decide to go the route of human displays, I think I’d be good at being a mannequin. I’d at least apply for the job. And if I didn’t get hired, you’d find me selling popcorn to the window spectators.

Do you think mannequins actually pull in more customers than, say, hangers? I’m usually more drawn to new outfits displayed on hangers than the ones draped over female mannequins who seem to be perpetually cold in the chest region. But maybe that’s because I’m not a guy.

Upon googling "Mannequin," I learned that in addition to displaying clothing, in the 1950s mannequins were also used to help illustrate the effects of nuclear weapons on humans.

"BOOM!"

HANK: Whoa! Where did little Susie go?

ALFRED: That was awesome. I’ll take twenty. Of the weapons, not those big dolls.

Personally, I find mannequins creepy. Especially when they’re naked. And especially, especially when I see a store employee awkwardly attempting to dress the naked mannequins.

Which brings me to my inspiration for writing this blog:

What's this? A family out car shopping? Not quite. But anyone who has ever exited the 101 Fwy at Lankershim in LA might recognize these beauties.

Remember that car dealership that seems perpetually busy? Even at 2am? Yes! That’s the one.

My friend from out of town noticed it first, “What’s up with all the dolls at that car dealership?” Although I didn’t know what she was talking about at the time, I soon learned. I suppose it’s all marketing, and in the grand scheme it probably works. I mean, it’s enough to make me talk about it in a blog. Except I don’t really care about the mannequins themselves. They’re weird, but that doesn’t matter.

What I DO actually care about are the pranks being pulled on the dealership.

One morning, I happened to glance at the dealership while driving past. I was expecting a little treat simply by seeing the amazing mannequins themselves, but instead I got an entire smorgasbord. There, leaning over, was a car salesman awkwardly pulling up the pants on the parents of a little mannequin family. I don’t know if he’d already pulled up the kid’s pants, or if the prankster wanted to leave the child out of the potential sexual harassment case. In any case, I found this random, awkward, possibly embarrassing moment to be a lovely way to start my day.

I wonder if part of the salesmen job description reads: "Must re-dress mannequins as needed."

That's one thing I'd never expect to do while selling cars. But then again, life is full of surprises. Nothing is ever as it seems, right?

For instance, this looks like two dude mannequins. One is a socially awkward cross-dresser, the other perhaps failed shop class.

Expect the unexpected, folks. Especially if you're a car salesperson.

And don't forget to honk hello to all my friends at the dealership. They're so friendly even the guy without a hand is waving.